I could eat it for days
A Fourth of July chili cook-off meets my current YouTube obsession.
One
Thick. Unctuous. Rich. As rich as the mother-in-law who founded the symphony you conduct. Mild level of spice: noticeable heat, but nothing that would get you reaching for a glass of milk. Plenty of smoky tomato flavour beneath the heat. Contains ground meat and the occasional bacon dice. After all, you need the wife for job security and a side piece to keep things interesting. Until the mistress blackmails you, that is.
Rating: four Barney’s Beanery bowls out of five
Two
Chunks of braised beef in a thin broth. Meat cooked to perfection, with a pleasant snap on the first bite leading to succulent tenderness. You could almost say this chili was cooked with surgical precision. You could trust the colleague who made it to replace your heart valve—provided the correct suture is used. Two types of beans plus corn. Flavour rather light and floral. Not spicy at all. Delicious.
Rating: four Barney’s Beanery bowls out of five
Three
Vegan chili. Sadly, the kind of vegan food that gives all vegan food a bad name. Under-seasoned in every way: not enough salt, let alone chili, pepper, or walnut. (Allegedly it had walnuts in it.) This chili will shriek at you for getting cigar ash on the carpet and then offer you one of Mr. Paris’ favourite health cookies, as though a miserable health cookie could possibly make amends.
Rating: one Barney’s Beanery bowl out of five
Four
Chili so good I could even forgive the presence of beans. Every element of the dish plotted with the precision. Ground meat. Moderately thick sauce. Plenty of heat, leaning on your tastebuds like a smiling blackmailer (better have champagne on hand to cool your tongue). Beneath the heat, flavours of garlic, lemon, and smoke—a twist on the classic chili flavour profile worthy of the final chapter of a Mrs. Melville story.
Rating: five Barney’s Beanery bowls out of five
Five
This chili is hiding something. The flavour profile, seemingly based in a holy trinity, is as out of place as a dry fountain just off the lanai of a cottage on a movie studio lot. Ground meat, tomato chunks, and beans with very little broth. No spiciness and no chili—a dish masquerading as something it’s not in order to get away with a crime.
Rating: two Barney’s Beanery bowls out of five